


army dreamers

by significant-turtleduck (space_feminist)



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Epistolary, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-27 18:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30127137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_feminist/pseuds/significant-turtleduck
Summary: When they're apart, Jeong Jeong and Piandao write letters to each other.
Relationships: Jeong Jeong/Piandao (Avatar)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8
Collections: MMEU Spring Equinox Exchange 2021





	army dreamers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [acezukos (purplefennels7)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplefennels7/gifts).



> 1\. additional content warnings: one reference to sexual harassment, canon-compliant depictions of imperialism/colonialism/war, a few sex mentions
> 
> 2\. set roughly in the same timeline as [burn bright, burn fast](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924690)
> 
> 3\. this fic has a playlist! you can listen to it [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ivLRH8reIL7GX41O5NV9v?si=8A7d0ZK6R4--gBSyb-GXkw&utm_source=copy-link). the chinese characters on the cover are jeong jeong and piandao's names. piandao's comes from the atla wiki, but jeong jeong's comes from [this tumblr post](https://atla-annotated.tumblr.com/post/15922449500/admiral-tinkle-tinkle-jeong-jeongs-wanted) by atla-annotated explaining that his name is incorrect on his wanted poster. ~the more you know~

Jeong Jeong,

You told me to write to you, so here I am. I'm not sure what you want me to tell you. Life doesn't change much at the base. Uninteresting is a good thing in war, I suppose, but it makes for dull writing. 

I've been considering my options after my service is up. I would love to learn bladesmithing, of course, but I'm not certain any master would take me. I'm older than the traditional apprentice, but too unskilled to be a waged employee. Perhaps I could become an instructor like you. I do like the idea of working with young people.

I watched the sunrise from the sparring courtyard this morning and thought of you. I've enclosed a painting of the scene. I wish you could have been there to see it in person.

I hope you are well.

Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

Your letter was perfect, don't you worry, and the enclosed painting is gorgeous. I hung it up in my office and many people have told me that my lady friend is talented. Perhaps you should consider that as a career, lady friend.

In truth, though, I think you underestimate yourself. Any master would be lucky to have someone so intelligent and passionate as his apprentice or employee. You would be a quick study, I’m sure.

My work is, unfortunately, less dull. You may wish to reconsider your desire to work with youth — these new recruits I'm training are hot-headed and undisciplined, arrogant and dismissive of my lessons. They roll their eyes when I order them to do simple breathing exercises and stances. They ask, “When are we going to start doing “real firebending” instead of these exercises for babies?” They say “I want to show those Earth Kingdom low-lifes what I’ve got!” I tell them that one must have a solid grasp of the basics before going on to advanced combat forms, and they scoff at me. I regret to say it, but I have lost my temper more than once. I do not want to let them push me to that. I want to model for them the behavior of a calm orderly officer. But they frustrate me so! Were we that foolish when we were new recruits? I can’t imagine it. Especially you. You were always so serious, so desperate to prove yourself. Reckless youth is a luxury only available to the sons of privilege.

In good news, it seems that life will continue to be uneventful for you. According to reports from the front lines, the Earth Kingdom is largely concerned with defense of its own land rather than mounting a direct invasion, the Northern Water Tribe has retreated to its icy fortress, and the Southern Water Tribe — well, can you imagine, the Southern Water Tribe, a threat to the Fire Nation? I didn’t need to read the report to know that. I’m laughing at the thought. In any case, your work keeping our borders secure is certainly valuable, but I don’t think you can count on much action. That comforts me. I’d hate to see you in danger.

I eagerly await your next letter.

Jeong Jeong

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

Your concern is touching, but you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not eager to be deployed to the front lines, of course, but I’ve been studying earthbending forms and devising counter-attack strategies in preparation. I believe I may even be able to incorporate some earthbending stances into my fighting style the way I’ve incorporated firebending. You don’t have to fear for me — if anything, the Fire Nation should be glad I’m on their side. I’ve had plenty of experience sparring with firebenders, and I daresay I could put many of them at a disadvantage.

I’m glad you liked the painting. I know you’re joking about pursuing art as a career, but I do sometimes wish I could leave the war behind and focus on more peaceful pursuits. I would love to truly dedicate my time to painting. I’d want to travel around the word learning different techniques, discovering new pigments and style, and capturing diverse scenes with my brush. I’d take in the wonders of the world and share them through my work.

But that’s an impractical dream, and I don’t know if I’d truly want to give up the art of the sword. All my arts are all deeply intertwined. Painting, calligraphy, and swordsmanship alike have taught me discipline, observation, and precision.

(Maybe you should give your students paint and ink.)

I completely understand why you’ve lost your temper with your students. It makes me angry too. You’re not just teaching them the basics of firebending, you’re teaching them the basics of being a soldier. If you’re not in tune with your body and breath, how are you to remain alert and aware of your actions on the battlefield? If you can’t keep control of yourself, how can you take orders? You may not like being harsh, Jeong Jeong, but these are lessons young soldiers unfortunately have to learn. I had to learn them, and so did you.

However, I will say — if either of us were an arrogant, hotheaded young firebender from a noble family, it certainly wasn’t me. 

Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

I think the man who brought a sword to a firebending spar is in no place to accuse others of being arrogant young men.

(Besides, you did not fight fair. Those were some dirty tricks you pulled.)

I did not give my students paint and ink, but I’m seriously considering it, at least to give me a moment’s peace. This one young man frustrates me no end. I tell them about the dangers of fire, how it has a life of its own, how unchecked it will destroy everything in its path. Like you said, they need to learn that harsh lesson. But this kid is enraptured by my speeches. Fire’s destructive power, he feels, proves its superiority to the other elements, and he can’t imagine why we would want to restrain such a power. We should just burn the Earth Kingdom and the Water Tribes to the ground and prove our might!

Then what would be fighting for? A fire like that could easily kill our own men, not to mention the the effect on the land. All the riches of the Earth Kingdom would be burnt to ash, and there would be no one left to work the mines or tend the land. What a hollow victory he proposes! I will try to set him straight, but frankly, I feel even some of the upper ranks of the military have lost prudence. It is all too easy for those who sit behind their desks in the Capitol to give into visions of glory and forget the brutal reality of war. I hope Zhao (the kid I’m talking about) never becomes a captain or an admiral. I shudder at the thought. By Koh’s legs, I hate his smug little face. Sometimes I want to throw a fireball at him just to make him understand how it can hurt.

Sorry. That was excessive. It’s just that I can’t say anything to anyone here. Zhao’s the son of powerful nobles, and I’d be wise to stay on his good side. I suppose to counsel restraint, I must practice it myself. At least with you, I can be candid.

Oh, and I know no earthbender stands a chance against you and your sword, but I still hope you stay safe, Piandao.

Jeong Jeong

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

First of all— you think I only won that spar because of my “dirty tricks”? All I can say to that is that if my opponent had been truly skilled, he would not have been so easily distracted by them.

(You like my dirty tricks. Don’t deny it.)

Second of all, you don’t have to tell me that many in the Fire Nation have lost sight of what war is. We’ve been running more combat drills lately, and rumors are beginning to spread that we will be deployed to the front lines. Some of the men here are excited at the prospect, are upset that we don’t get much action on the border. Lee and I are quite happy to have an uninteresting time of it! Certainly, I’m happy to do my duty to my nation, and if we are needed on the front lines I will gladly go, but I don’t understand the eagerness. I suppose they haven’t had my experiences.

At least no one loves combat drills. Picture, if you will, a crowd of bleary-eyed soldiers in heavy helmets, shambling down the halls in the dark hours before dawn, yawning and grumbling. We need to practice fighting in the dark hours of the morning so that firebenders learn how to bend without the sun enhancing their abilities. Well, then leave us non-benders out of it! Let us sleep a few more hours.

I can’t think of anything else to write you, I’m sorry. The drills are sapping my energy and I want to go sleep. I hope everything is going well with your students. Try not to throw fireballs at them.

Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

Would you believe, I’m starting to get through! And I didn’t have to throw any fireballs! Instead, they did. I was across the compound in my office, working on paperwork, and I heard a distant crackling sound and screams. I ran outside and immediately, I smelled smoke. Across the compound, the barracks were on fire, and recruits were running and screaming. I raced across the compound to put the fires out before they spread, and then I questioned every recruit in the vicinity about what had happened. No one was forthcoming, but eventually I gathered that they were competing to see who could produce the largest flame. Each claimed that he had not started the competition and only participated because others were doing it. (You can imagine how much I believed that.)

There were no serious injuries, and I managed to keep the damage limited to one section of the building, but it was enough to sober most of them up. (Zhao has instead decided to quit and move to another division for training. Good riddance.) They’ve listened much more attentively my last few classes. Some have requested that I teach them how to put out fires using bending, and one student actually came up to me yesterday and told me he really appreciates my lessons. Kid named Chey. Not very bright, but very good-hearted. He’ll make a terrible soldier. Ah well, I suppose I can’t have it all. I hope by the end of this I can at least produce some good soldiers who don’t hate me. I’ll settle for that. I don’t need to be a beloved teacher, so long as they learn what they need.

I’m trying to convince myself of that because — and you’re the only person I’ll tell about this, I trust you to be discreet — I don’t believe my superiors want me to stay in my current position. Their responses to my report of the incident were terse. They said nothing specific about removing me, but I have an instinct. Perhaps Zhao complained about me to his parents, or they blame me for the recruits’ misconduct. Either way, I fear we may both be heading back to the front lines. It’s funny. A few weeks ago, I would have given anything not to have this teaching post. Now I think I’ll miss it.

(I won’t miss teaching Zhao, though. He can go drown himself in the ocean for all I care.)

I apologize for complaining so much in these letters. I don’t want to burden you. But I don’t have anyone I can share my thoughts with here. You are my unfortunate captive audience. I wish I could give you the beautiful romantic sentiments you deserve instead of this whining. Just know that I do have those feelings, even if the words do escape me.

Jeong Jeong

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

You don’t need to give me sentimentality, JJ. I love your letters as they are, philosophical and complaining. It’s like you’re sitting right next to me.

I know it’s not exactly how you wanted, but I’m glad you’re making progress with your students. You probably aren’t giving yourself enough credit for your impact. When I’m practicing basic forms, I can still hear the voice of my first swordmaster, Master Toru. He was a kind man who volunteered at the boys’ camp where I first picked up a sword. Many of my teachers seemed to look down on their orphan students, but he never seemed to. He saw my interest and encouraged me to pursue it, and I still remember his warm, proud smile when I disarmed another student in practice. I never told him — or anyone else, for that matter — but I thought of him as a father. If I could make a difference in the life of another young man the way he did for me, I would value that higher than any military honor.

Of course, I don’t know if your students think of you that affectionately. But I would bet that when they practice their basic firebending katas, they hear your voice telling them to be careful, and if they are wise, they heed it. It seems like they got quite a scare.

But, you know, I envy them sometimes. They get to see you every day, while our duties keep us apart. If you do end up getting reassigned to the front lines, would it be too much to ask for a visit before you leave the Fire Nation? We might not get another opportunity before you’re all the way in the Earth Kingdom. Our nation may need you, but so do I.

Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

My fears were true. I’m on active duty again, and, I’m sorry to say, I won’t be able to visit you before leaving. They want me in the colonies as soon as possible. My fleet will be mounting a strike on a base in the northern Earth Kingdom rumored to be receiving supplies from the Northern Water Tribe. I’m intrigued by the possibility that the Northern Water Tribe has changed its stance, and I know that if they have, it is imperative we cut off that supply line as soon as possible, but I wish I could see you. Alas, duty calls.

Leaving this posting is bittersweet, too. I feel like I understand your Master Toru. I am proud when I see one of my students execute a perfect form, and I wish I could be there to see them continue to grow and develop their skill. I worry about how they will adjust to a new instructor, whether the transition will set them back. I hope I have prepared them well enough for what they’ll face. In truth, I’ll miss them.

Not as much as I miss you, though. If I were able to visit, I would want to go to the riverside again. I like being with you in the light. It suits us better than the dark.

Yours, Jeong Jeong

* * *

JJ,

I thought I’d return your surprise visit with a surprise of my own. I hope these give you a welcome respite from ship’s rations.

Yours, Piandao

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

This should arrive soon after you do, and not a moment too soon. You’ve probably noticed the new address at the top of this letter. My unit is being deployed to the Earth Kingdom, to help keep order in a newly conquered town. I don’t want you sending your letters to the wrong address — I cherish them too much.

I’ll send a longer letter when I settle in, but I’m curious to know: Have you seen any Water Tribe activity? I remember you saying once that you’d love to see waterbenders in action. With the Northern Tribe in hiding and the Southern benders in captivity, it’s a rare opportunity. Nothing more tantalizing than a mystery.

I know we only just saw each other, but I already miss you. I hope to hear from you soon.

Piandao

P.S. Please tell me that you found the fire flakes in your bag. I really hope they didn’t get crushed.

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

I said I’d write to you when I was more settled in, so here I am, making good on that promise. I hope you’ll forgive me for sending you two letters in a row.

To be honest, this posting isn’t that much more interesting than running drills on the border. We’re little more than local law enforcement, enforcing curfews and preventing petty theft. No matter what they tell us, it’s hardly glorious work. The citizens seem afraid of us. I suppose they don’t yet see the privileges and new developments that being part of the Fire Nation will bring to them. It takes time for new settlers to arrive, for factories to be built and roads to be paved and for job opportunities to open up. For now, all they know is the cold steel and hot fire of a conquering army, which I would imagine doesn’t give them the best impression of our nation. I try my best to be kind, but one man can’t change opinions overnight.

I should also admit that I didn’t exactly have the best impression oftheir nation when I arrived. At my last Earth Kingdom posting further south, I felt quite at home with the heat and the cuisine, but here in the north, everything feels unfamiliar. It gets quite cold at night, and the food is milder, as fewer spices grow in this climate. Most soldiers decry the local food is tasteless, and while I don’t think it’s polite to say so publicly they way do, I can’t say I disagree. Sometimes I wish I’d packed some fire flakes for myself.

It’s not all bad. While the food isn’t to my taste, I’ve enjoyed sampling the local culture in other ways. When it started getting cold, I went into town to purchase a blanket from a local shop, and I found one with the most beautiful embroidery in deep greens and blues. Patriotic Fire Nation citizens prefer red, but as an artist I appreciate the wider palette you can find in the rest of the world. So much of the same becomes dull and oppressive, in my opinion. Here, as in most of the Earth Kingdom, they favor green, but I’ve also seen blues, an occasional pink on a woman’s dress, and sometimes a dark shade of red, more soil-like than fire-like. I’ve included a painting of the blanket design, as well as some of my attempts at recreating the patterns I’ve seen on women’s clothing. 

Fascinating as the patterns are to draw, though, I have to be careful not to stare at the young women’s clothing too obviously. Unfortunately, many soldiers’ ideas of “sampling the culture” are different than mine. I wouldn’t want the locals to think I’m like that. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s disgusting. Even if I were inclined that way, I can’t imagine acting like that about it. 

How goes it up north? You must be freezing even more than I am. I look forward to hearing your entertaining complaints.

Yours, Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

I thoroughly enjoyed the fire flakes. How you managed to sneak them into my bag, I’ll never know. Every day you prove yourself to be even more talented and clever.

I regret to inform you that I have not seen any waterbenders. I have been too busy freezing. You hear stories of snow and see it adorn the mountains, but nothing can prepare you for its reality. Heaps of white that look soft as down, individual flakes that, if you look closely, reveal intricate crystals. Each one is unique, and they shimmer in the light. In the early morning, the world seems covered in a field of glittering gems as far as the eye can. Spears of ice hang from buildings where water drips down and line the sides of hills, jagged and threatening, yet they too shine in the morning light. The sight steals the breath from me, a stark and otherworldly beauty.

To see such beauty, though, is to feel its bite — the dark waves pummeling chunks of ice against your ship, the wind stinging your cheeks, the flakes on your palm so cold they almost seem to burn. How strange it is, that extreme cold and heat feel the same. Many in the Fire Nation seem to think it would be easy to defeat the water tribes, to melt their great fortress into the sea with our bending, but now that I am here I cannot help but think the Water Tribes must be the strongest of us all. To survive in these climes, where your breath becomes white frost in the air, must require a special kind of resilience. I am exhausted from using my inner flame for warmth, and yet waterbenders live here without any such ability to sustain them. I cannot imagine it.

I suspect that you will apologize for sending two letters, but know that I eagerly await the second installment.

Your JJ

(If you laugh I’ll gut you. And I’ll know if you do.)

* * *

My JJ (I promise I didn’t laugh, as much as I wanted to),

Your ability to read me is uncanny. It’s a fault of mine, that no matter how much you assure me you care, I still sometimes worry that I’m a burden to you. It’s irrational and I wish I could stop it. I’m sorry — but now I can hear you saying I have nothing to apologize for. In that case, I’ll just say thank you for always being so reassuring.

It seems that my experiences with snow have been quite different than yours. The first day it snowed, Lee decided to throw some at me. Naturally, I retaliated, and other soldiers joined in. The ensuing battle was a sight to behold. Balls of snow flew through the air, landing in splatters as seasoned soldiers ducked behind buildings. I scaled a tree to get a better vantage point, and unleashed a devastating aerial assault by shaking a branch. Did the soldiers at your posting ever have a snowball fight? The clang of a snowball off a helmet is a surprisingly satisfying sound. I got off quite a few of those from my perch. All in all, the experience was cold and wet and thoroughly exhilarating. Well worth the reprimand we got.

Currently, Lee and I and everyone else who participated are confined indoors when off duty. I feel that’s quite a light punishment, and I really can't complain. It’s given me an opportunity to finish the enclosed painting of the riverbank. I thought you might want to have it to remember our times together.

Unfortunately, now I don’t know what to paint, and I find myself craving an artistic project. If you have any suggestions, please share them. I can send the results to you with my next letters.

Your Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

You underestimate your ability to read me. You knew I’d send you a letter of complaints, you knew I would never ask you to apologize, and you knew I would treasure this painting. I wish I could go to the riverside with you again. These days at sea cramped in a ship cabin have me longing for forests and meadows, trees and grass and soil. I’ve hung it in my cabin to remind me of dry land and you. It really is a marvel that such a beautiful natural setting should be so near that ugly military base. A thing of beauty in the midst of war, like yourself.

Quite frankly, it is not going well here in the north. Our information was wrong — the Earth Kingdom was not receiving aid from the Northern Water Tribes. You might wonder why I say it is not going well when that’s such good news, but we have fought battles in these seas, lost good men and ships under the assumption that we were striking a meaningful blow against our enemy. Knowing that everything we’ve done has been in vain is disheartening, to say the least. There is no honor in dying for a baseless rumor, no meaning to be found in purposeless devastation. It is just devastation.

Needless to say, morale is low. I don’t know how to raise it. I feel the loss of the men under my command as keenly as anyone else. I’m responsible for them. I didn’t know any better, but I still regret leading them to their deaths. We’ll be heading south soon. Perhaps a meaningful victory will raise the mens’ spirits. I don’t know if it will do the same for me. Heavy is the burden of a commander. I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel light again.

And then I think of you, Piandao, and I remember that I do feel joy. We’re not in a happy business, but we have each other. You’re my refuge from everything. My selfish suggestion for what you should paint is a self-portrait, so I could keep it with me and always see your beautiful face.

And to think, I was once lamenting my inability to give you the sentimental words you deserved! Now I fear I may have crossed the line from sentimental into sickening. My apologies.

(However, the request still stands, if you wish to fulfill it.)

Jeong Jeong

P.S. I’ve attached the list of ports we’ll be stopping at and the approximate dates we’ll be there, so you know where and when to send your letters.

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

I’m flattered, but sentimental is not the word I would use to describe that request. I know what soldiers do with the portraits on the walls of their cabins. I suppose you also want me to pose nude, with a strategically placed helmet? Or perhaps a suggestive sword? I refuse to be a part of it. Besides, I’ve never attempted self-portraiture before. I don’t believe it would be as beautiful as you say.

In lieu of taking your suggestion, I’ve decided to turn to the snow for artistic inspiration. I haven’t had many opportunities to paint such colorless landscapes. But as you said in your letter, it really is beautiful, in a stark way, and there is color in how the light hits the snow, in how it glints off the ice. The main difficulty in painting it is that my paints freeze. I wish you were here to warm them up they way you did my tea. It’s not the same when other firebenders do it.

I nearly forgot — I have good news! Do you remember how I wanted to apprentice after my mandatory service is up? Lee says he knows an old family friend who might be looking for someone, and he’s willing to put in a good word for me. I’ve been drafting a letter listing my qualifications and demonstrating my eagerness to work for him. That has been an agonizing process. I’ve gone through so much paper trying to find the right words. I should be proud of my accomplishments, but not arrogant. I should be eager to work for him, but not so eager that it seems like false flattery. You see the trouble.

But this opportunity is so promising, it’s worth the effort. Lee and I will send our letters out when we return to the Fire Nation in a few weeks. I must admit, I’m looking forward to going home. It’ll be nice to see warm weather again. You must be happy to be heading south.

Things will look up for you. Take care of yourself — you deserve that kindness. In the meantime, I hope this letter has been a refuge.

Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

I’m grateful for your kind words, but please, don’t worry about me. I have been a soldier for many years. I can weather a bout of low spirits.

I’m glad to hear that Lee is putting in a good word for you. He is a true friend. I have no doubt that you will get the position — between Lee’s good word and your exceptional skill, how could anyone refuse? On a personal note, however, I am sad to hear that you will be heading back to the Fire Nation in a few weeks. My fleet will reach the coast near you in a month, and I had hoped to see you then. I suppose some things are not meant to be.

In far more important matters...I must tell you I take great offense to your accusation that I want your portrait for depraved reasons. How dare you accuse me of impure intentions and then describe how you would pose in the nude? You’re the one placing such thoughts in my mind! All I did was ask you to try self-portraiture. There were no hidden intentions. I swear.

(Though if you were to send me such a painting, I would not be displeased.)

I confess, it saddens me to know I will never be able to hang your portrait, no matter how chaste you paint yourself. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to display a lover’s portrait the way the other men do. To join in when they talk about their women back home and share that I too am sad to be so far away from someone I love. What would it be like to be open? My men know I do not accompany them to certain establishments, that I steal away every time we make port to send letters to my “friend”. They very likely suspect the true nature of our relationship. But they do not speak of it, at least within my hearing, and neither do I.

Do not misunderstand me. I would never give this up. I don’t want to hang a woman’s portrait in my cabin or talk about a wife at home or go ashore to send her letters. I want you. I only wish I could have you without fear.

Yours, Jeong Jeong

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

You should be careful. Have you forgotten how young soldiers talk? Rumors spread easily in such close quarters. You’ll say that you’re their commander, that they can’t do anything to you, but your rank will only protect you so far. I keep my head down, feign interest in women, and try my best not to raise any suspicion. I strongly suggest you do the same, for our sake. I know when my mandatory service is up, I will be freer, and perhaps if the distinguished admiral decides to retire, he will be freer too. Simply a suggestion.

Perhaps I worry so much because I feel like my post-service plans are in jeopardy. I’ve sent out the letter to Master Sheng — Lee’s family friend I told you about — but Lee neglected to mention until after I’d sent it that Master Sheng is a firebender. Lee says I have nothing to be concerned about, that there are plenty of nonbending bladesmiths and that the master wouldn’t reject me for that, but I’m not so sure. Wouldn’t it be helpful to have an apprentice who can light the forge? Someone who he can teach his bending techniques to? All I can do is hope that he’s willing to take on an apprentice who lacks his abilities.

At least my fellow soldiers have provided me with some distractions from my worrying. Someone started a base-wide pai sho tournament, and it’s grown quite intense. People have started wagering on games. They trade duty shifts and outside food items mostly, but there are a few who are betting actual gold on the outcomes. I wouldn’t waste my money that way, but if others (Lee) want to earn a few gold pieces betting on me I won’t stop them. For myself, I’ve managed to avoid outhouse duty for several weeks. I’m using my spare time to work on the self-portrait you requested.

(It will not be nude.)

What news is there from the front? Did you achieve victory in the Earth Kingdom. I hope morale has improved. I hate to hear you sad.

Piandao

* * *

Piandao,

I eagerly await your self-portrait, pai sho master. 

I’m pleased to report good news from the front! We won a decisive victory over a small Southern Water Tribe fleet off the coast of the southern Earth Kingdom. It was not an easy victory either. Once again, I find myself marveling at the Water Tribes’s resilience. Despite being outnumbered, and with no benders on their side, they put up a good fight. There is honor in winning a battle against a worthy opponent.

Most importantly, morale is up. The victory helped, but more than that, I believe our newest crew member has been of great assistance. Her name is Fuku, and an officer smuggled her on board just before our victory. At first, I was skeptical. She tore up the tapestries in the crew quarters, wrecked the galley in a quest for fish, and urinated in one of the passageways. But when I went to Ensign Jee’s quarters to reprimand him and remove her, she meowed so sweetly I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She bumped her face against my hand and purred when I pet her head, and I relented. She’s a beautiful cat. Her fur is white, marked with brown and black, and her eyes are large and green. She’s curled up by the fire in my cabin as I write this. Oh! She just stood up and stretched. She is walking over to me - she just rubbed up against my leg. I will pause my writing for a moment.

Where was I? Ah, yes. I’m quite glad I didn’t get rid of her. We’ve all begun to regard her as a lucky charm — hence the name. Where would we be, without her blessings of soft fur and sweet meows and comforting purrs? I find a victory doesn’t raise my spirits like it used to, but her simple love warms me.

(She’s also proven effective at catching rat-mice.)

You and Fuku are right. I have grown tired of the front lines, tired of hiding. I’ve requested my old teaching post back and I cannot wait to be back in the Fire Nation and closer to you. I’ll come visit as soon as I can. I promise.

I miss you.

Yours, Jeong Jeong

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

I miss you too, and I’m so happy to hear you’re coming back to the Fire Nation. I can’t wait to see you!

The image of you and Fuku sitting together in your cabin has brought me so much joy. Your men and your students know you as a strict admiral, but Fuku and I know that you have a kind heart underneath it all. She seems like a very sweet cat, and what wonderful good luck she has brought you.

I have an exciting victory of my own to share — I secured the apprenticeship! I’ll be able to begin as soon as I’m discharged. It’s quite a relief. Master Sheng came to the base to talk to me about the position last week, and I was so nervous. I thought he’d take one look at me and decide I wasn’t worth his time. But my lack of bending didn’t seem to matter to him. He was quite kind, and seemed as eager to teach as I am to learn. I even told him of my interest in teaching, and he said he might be able to get me an opportunity to shadow an instructor at a local academy. It’s very exciting!

The only sad news I have is that while I was distracted worrying about the master’s visit, I lost a few games of pai sho. My reputation is suffering, Lee’s lost some money, and I’m back on outhouse duty after not having it for weeks. A shame.

Nothing much else of note has happened. I can’t wait to hear that you’ve gotten your post and are on your way back to the Fire Nation. I look out to the sea, and I imagine you’re coming home. I’ll see you soon.

Piandao

* * *

~~Piandao,~~

~~Don’t share this letter with anyone. I need to know where your sympathies lie, if you will join me~~

* * *

Jeong Jeong,

My last letter was returned to me, with a message saying that you were no longer at that base. You must’ve gotten your position faster than I thought! That, or I was exceptionally slow at sending out my letter. Either way, we seem to have missed each other.

I was slow sending out my letter because I have good news — I secured my apprenticeship with Master Sheng! He came to visit the base and discuss the position with me, and I was fretting the entire week before he came. I wouldn’t have been able to write you anything but my fears. If I waited, I thought, I could give you the good news or bad news. Fortunately, it’s good news! He seems quite kind and I’m looking forward to working with him.

I’m sure you’ve already noticed the other piece of good news tucked into this letter. A benefit of having my last letter returned to me! It’s a shame I wasn’t able to get it to you when we were further apart, but nevertheless, I hope you find it a pleasing likeness.

There isn’t much other news. While I was worrying about the visit, I lost some games, but I soon rebounded. I’m now in the running to be the base’s pai sho champion! I haven’t done outhouse duty, laundry, or kitchen cleanup in weeks.

I can’t wait to see you!

Piandao

* * *

~~Piandao,~~

~~By the time this reaches you, I will be long gone. Don't follow me~~

* * *

JJ,

I’ve been hearing awful rumors. People are saying that you’re a traitor. That you got up to give a rousing speech to the troops but instead launched into a tirade against the Fire Nation and the war. That you called the war madness and the Fire Nation brutal savages. That when the soldiers came forward to seize you for your treasonous words, you summoned a ball of flame and disappeared like a magician at a festival.

It can’t be true, can it? There would be no hidden trapdoor for you to escape through. You wouldn’t have been able to disappear in front of that many soldiers. Even you, outspoken as you are, wouldn’t be so brazen as to insult the Fire Nation publicly. Tell me it isn’t true. Tell my two letters were returned because I misaddressed them, that it’s all some wild misunderstanding. I can’t imagine you’d leave me. I don't want to think that. I know you have grown tired of war, but this isn’t the answer. It can’t be. Please, I beg of you, tell me that the rumors are all lies, that you’ll see me soon. I love you.

Your Piandao

* * *

~~Piandao,~~

~~I'm sorry~~

* * *

I shouldn’t be writing to you. But I can’t help the way I feel. If you get this, please, tell me you’re safe. Give me a sign that you’re alive.

Yours

* * *

I know you’re never going to read this. I’m not even going to send it — it’s no use at this point. But I can't talk to anyone about you. I can’t even write your name for fear of someone seeing it on the page. Do you know how it pains me, to lose you and not be able to speak of my loss? I loved you, and I would do anything just to see your face again. 

But maybe that’s wrong of me. You left me behind, after all, gave me no indication of your plans. Our affair is over as surely as if you had yelled in my face that you never wanted to see me again. Perhaps that would’ve been easier. At least then I would’ve known how you felt about me. Now I look into my own eyes, at the portrait that should have been yours, and I wonder if you could not bear me or if you regretted leaving me behind.

Wherever you are, if you’re alive, do you miss me? Or is my memory only a painful reminder of the life that you couldn’t take anymore? I hoped to be a refuge from it all, but clearly that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough for you. You decided to cast me aside, just as my parents did. 

Will I ever be enough for someone to stay?

* * *

I think of you often. Do you know why I left? Do you understand? Or did I break your heart with my betrayal of our great nation? I do not want to think you are so blind to its faults. Your life story is a testament to them — what right and good society would cast aside a child for not being born with the capacity to destroy in its very body? You should never have had to learn to destroy. You should have been a painter, and gone on to teach young people the art of the brush, not the sword.

I do not know what I would have done without the war. I have never known anything else. From the moment I made my first flame, I was told my destiny was on the battlefield. I studied and trained and rose through the ranks only to find that the life I'd devoted myself to was one of brutality and savagery. I wanted to leave. I wanted to come back to you. They wouldn’t let me, and it was then I knew I could not keep hiding. There was no other way. I could not remain silent.

If you do not understand why I had to speak up, I beg of you to open your eyes. You do not deserve to die in service to a horrible war. You do not deserve to go on believing lies about your own inferiority. If you do understand, please forgive me for leaving you behind. You must know that I was trying to protect you. You don’t want to live like this. I have no friends in the Fire Nation anymore, and I can hardly expect any sympathy from the Earth Kingdom. They have every right to hate me for what I have done. I suppose that's why I’m writing to you. You're the only person in the world I can still imagine holding affection for me.

And I don’t even know that you do. I may truly be alone. If I am, I hope at least my sacrifice meant something. That I planted the seed of dissent in the Fire Nation, and that one day it will grow, that maybe it will grow in you.

That's all I have. Hope.

* * *

I shouldn’t be thinking about you anymore. You left me, and acknowledging our association would put me in danger. But sometimes I’ll see a ship at sea and think it’s yours coming in to dock, or the sunrise will shine on the stones of the courtyard and I’ll think I see you coming around the corner. And I can’t help but think of you fondly then, to remember the moments we stole together and the intimacy we shared. I knew you well, better than perhaps either of us realized.

I’ve tried to deny it. I didn’t want to understand why you left. It was easier to feel like a betrayed victim than face the truth about our nation. But I know why you left. I have seen the horrors of this war too. As much as I wanted you to stay, it would have been selfish of me to ask you to stay in the life you hated so rightly.

Sometimes I wish I’d been able to put voice to my feelings earlier. Maybe you would’ve taken me along. What would it have been like, living on the run with you? I doubt running away with your lover is as romantic in practice as it is on paper or the stage. But I think about it anyway, because sometimes I still miss you. I even considered following you. I packed a bag, and I was ready to leave. But in the end, I couldn’t. I wasn’t brave enough. I was afraid, and I told myself it was no use, that my mandatory service would be over soon anyway and then I’d be free of it like you.

But that was a delusion. I’m not like you, not at all. I haven’t taken a stand. I’ve just kept my hands clean of the next crimes my nation commits. I will leave the army with honors, be venerated for what I’ve done. The thought of it churns my stomach.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe after my apprenticeship is done, I’ll leave the country. Go to the Earth Kingdom and see it as a tourist rather than a conqueror. Do some charity work. I don’t know. What can I do to keep this guilt from swallowing me whole?

* * *

I had a dream for us. Nothing as concrete as a plan, or even a speculation. Just a dream. A vision of us sitting together in the sun, our hands intertwined. Watching clouds float lazily by, the grass warm beneath us, the war so far away it was out of mind. Pure blissful happiness.

I gave up on that dream when I deserted. It disgusts me now. The people of the Southern Water Tribe cannot put the war out of mind, not when their loved ones have been taken captive or killed. The people of the Earth Kingdom cannot put the war out of mind when their villages have Fire Nation soldiers on every corner, their earthbenders rounded up and sent to labor camps. Who am I to live a life free from war? What justice is there in a man who caused their pain getting to leave it all behind and live a comfortable life?

Perhaps one day, the Fire Nation's brutal conquest will come to an end. If that day ever comes, I hope I can see you again.


End file.
